Sassy Gay Friend:  Warehouse 13
by Going Batty
Summary: Meet H.G. Wells, a historical figure and former Warehouse agent. She is about use the Minoan trident to cause another Ice Age, effectively destroying humanity. This fate could have been avoided if she had a sassy, gay friend.


**A/N: This is why Orin is not allowed to be awake at four in the morning. He owns nothing: not H.G. Wells, nor Warehouse 13, nor even the Sassy, Gay Friend. If you're unfamiliar with him, well, go check out his Youtube videos!**

* * *

Helena grasped the trident tightly in both hands, breathing heavily in her attempt to restrain her emotions. How _dare_ Myka try to talk her down! She hasn't seen how much the world has changed! She didn't _know_ how much worse the human race had gotten! She raised the trident for the third and final time...

...only to be stopped by a familiar, accusing voice. "Helena, seriously, what are you doing?" A hand reached forward and yanked the trident out of her hands. "What, what, _what_ _are you doing_?" She froze and turned to look at the owner of the voice as he flipped the end of his fancy coral-colored scarf over his shoulder, posing with the trident. This was her Sassy, Gay Friend.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" she cried, snatching the trident away to raise it once more. Of course he had to drop by for a visit now, of all times. He usually had incredibly bad timing, choosing mostly to visit when she was about to do something drastic... She hoped it was coincidental. The thought that he knew what she was up to before even she knew was unsettling.

"Helena–" Myka began, starting forward again after the briefest of pauses. Where did that man come from? And how did he know Helena?

"Honey, no. I got this," the Sassy, Gay Friend told Myka. "Go take care of Artie." He shooed her away, and Myka obeyed, inwardly wondering how he knew who they were. He turned his attention back to Helena. "What does it look like you're doing? It _looks like_..." here, he paused for emphasis, hands on his hips, "you're making a very big mistake. So you destroy the world! Then what? Did you even think this through?"

Helena stared at him in shock. How _dare _he! "Of course I have! The world would be a better place, because the people _killing it_ will be gone!"

He couldn't help but add, "But not really, because you know what? The people making it better, they'd be gone too. Did you think about that?"

"Th-the survivors can rebuild! I've seen how this ends! It's just like my stories." In other words, no. She hadn't thought about that.

"Hello-o-o, Earth to Helena, there won't _be_ any survivors! H.G., that was the entire point of your plan. So, really, _you're_ going to be a _murderer_. No, scratch that. A – do they even have a word for this?" He pondered for a moment, before deciding that it didn't matter. "Didn't you always say you'd never kill another person after that incident in France? Hmm?" He waited for a response, eyebrows raised. Getting none, he continued. "Yeah, I thought so."

"This is different..." Helena began slowly.

"_How_ is it different? Just because, boo-hoo, the world's not all love and bicycles and Eloi, it doesn't mean you gotta destroy it!" The Sassy, Gay Friend threw his hands in the air as he scolded her, his eyes wide for added effect. "H.G., it could be worse! It could be full of tanks or atomic bombs, or, God forbid, _bad hairdos_." He shuddered.

"They're killing the planet! They're destroying what we used to cherish back in my day!"

"But you're talking mass murder. So slow down, crazy. What makes you think the human race won't end up killing itself soon? You gotta wait longer than a century – one you haven't even been around to see! You know, you're really proving yourself to be a good example of the stereotypical British villain."

Her mouth dropped open in outrage. "How dare you!" she gasped.

"Oh, please, I tell it like it is," he insisted. "Just because you seem to have a personal vendetta against most technological advances of the last century, it doesn't mean you have to destroy everything!"

Helena's face fell. He was right... "I was just hoping for the world to _improve_..." she whimpered, suddenly very unsure about the brilliance of her plan.

The Sassy, Gay Friend looked at her sadly with an exaggerated pout on his face. "I know." He held his arms out in front of him and motioned towards himself. "Now, put that trident down and come here." She obeyed, dropping the trident and shuffling over to her Sassy, Gay Friend, who wrapped his arms around her in a hug. "Look, I know you think you're a stupid bitch and all..." She opened her mouth to protest. "No, no, no, hear me out. Just hear me out! I know you think you're a stupid bitch, but what you _really_ are is a brilliant woman with ideas ahead of her time. "

"I suppose you're right..." Helena sniffled.

"Of course I'm right!" he declared, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "That's what I'm here for. I'm your voice of reason." She nodded against his chest. That, he was. "Now, I heard that you had male lovers? Why didn't you tell me this before? H.G., you gotta spill all the juicy details!" She playfully slapped his arm. "Ow! I know, I know, I'm a stupid bitch." Helena couldn't help but give him a teary smile. "So, here's the deal. I'm thinking it's time to head back to South Dakota, and maybe hit up that diner that Claudia's told me so much about. We can catch up, you can tell me about all of your sexcapades, we can ogle the guys, whatever you want. What do you say?"

Helena took a moment to compose herself before wordlessly nodding. Not for the first time, she wondered how this man was able to change her mind. "All right... Perhaps we can discuss an idea I've had for a new story?"

"Of course," he smiled. "Now come on, silly." As he led H.G. Wells away, the Sassy, Gay Friend smiled, winked and mouthed, "She's a stupid bitch!" to Myka and Artie, who found themselves unable to do anything but sit and stare.


End file.
